My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
