you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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