i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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