Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
