yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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