I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
