i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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