A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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