A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
