So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
