it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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