If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
