I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
