Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
