I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
