Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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