Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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