Christians are straight up FREAKS
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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