even my farts smell like vagina
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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