Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
