As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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