life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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