Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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