I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
