im having a threesome with these popsicles
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
