Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
