my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My dick has a subreddit
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
