Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
