Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
