Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
