i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
