Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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