The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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