Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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