So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
bring money and cleavage
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
