Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
