nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And then my night got REAL pukey
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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