remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
this hospital has no fireball
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
