oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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