toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
