Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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