I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
