Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If I die, sorry about rent.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
