My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
