This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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