overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My feet surprised me
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