I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If I die, sorry about rent.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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