Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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