He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
