So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
