This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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